Non Assisted Living

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Edgar was old. He accepted that. He was in a ‘retirement’ home. “Screw that” he thought, “it’s a damn nursing home.” Edgar’s wife of 54 years, Alison had passed about 4 years prior. His sons and daughter had tried to take care of Edgar, or Eddy but found it too hard. “Hard my ass,” Eddy would say, “It’s not like I need CARE or anything.”

Eddy would occasionally forget things, occasionally get lost when walking around the neighborhood and had fallen on two, TWO occasions. Ok, so the kids were concerned that their 84 year old father was going to get hurt, but it’s not like he was an invalid. He wasn’t, not at all. He was still pretty active and was able to move around well. He had enjoyed taking care of his yard and his home, even though after Alison was gone, it didn’t seem as much like home. That was why the kids had him move in with them. First Jane his 28 year old, his youngest. “HOLY CRAP!” had been his reaction when Alison had announced she was pregnant. “I’m too friggin’ OLD to have another kid!” He was kind of right, but abortion was very much out of the question. “You don’t have to be a Catholic to hate the idea of killing your own kid!” said the devout (sort of) Methodist. So, Jane had been born to a 54 year old man and his 53 year old wife. How, they never really understood, but considered Jane a true blessing.

Until Jane said, “Dad, I love you so much but you’re kind of cramping my style. No guy wants to date a girl who lives with her Dad.”

He took the ‘F.U.’ in stride and moved on to Steve who was now 44. It didn’t work out with Steve who tried to pass him on to Rudy (47) who wanted no part of Dad since they falling out they had over Bill Clinton back in 1992. Everyone said Rudy was a total douche for holding onto that, and he was, but that was Rudy. “I love that miserable little shit, as much as I don’t want to!” Eddy said many times after Rudy wouldn’t let the argument go, even after Eddy had apologized, and didn’t feel he HAD to, but wanted to reconnect with his son. Nope, Rudy WAS a miserable douche!

He got passed to Frank (48), Samantha (49) and Bob (54) and each time, something went wrong or they found they didn’t have enough room. Finally his oldest, Rick (56) gave it the best shot. He kept Eddy around for almost a year before one February night when Eddy went for a walk, got lost about a mile from home and then slipped on the ice, fracturing his elbow. It had taken almost 2 hours to find Eddy who by now was near freezing. He went straight to the Emergency Ward at St. Leonard’s Hospital and was admitted for the fracture and early hypothermia. After 2 days, he was allowed to go home, but Rick lamented on how it was killing him. He tearfully went on for almost an hour about how worried he always was, how much it was affecting his core family and how Eddy should truly consider a ‘retirement’ home. Always it was a ‘retirement’ home.

In truth, Eddy was in an assisted living complex that was almost as fun as a condominium for Senior Citizens. He had plenty of activities (yeah, BINGO was one of them) but it wasn’t limited to OLD PEOPLE stuff. They had a weekly dance, a piano bar which served beer and wine (three drink MAXIMUM)as well as some hard liquor, plus a pool, a game room, movie night and even a 3 alley bowling alley. “OK,” Eddy thought to himself, “This is pretty fucking good!” Eddy, being a Korean War veteran (6 years active Army, 2 years in-active), was a true gentleman to all the ladies, but occasionally could swear like nobody’s business.

One day Eddy was in the game room with a few of his cronies. It was wonderful how the vast majority of the residents made friends easily and would group up. Eddy, Roscoe, LeRoy and Sheldon were sitting playing “Battleship”, winner playing the next and the next. Roscoe had spent 12 years in the Navy and would often say just how silly the game was, only to be told to “Shut Up Swabie” by LeRoy, the Marine in the group and a World War 2 Veteran. At 94 he was oldest in the group and would often let them know it in no uncertain terms. Sheldon had been in the Army from about 1956-1964 getting out just prior to the Vietnam War really gearing up. He always said he was one of the luckiest men alive. He had just turned 80. All of them had their issues, age will do that, but overall, they were still very much on their games. Especially LeRoy who was sharp as a tack, just had a balance issue, that’s why he had ended up here instead of staying in his fancy retirement community.

And another thing Huntington House had were plenty of ladies. The boys all liked that. Well, there were a few here and there who batted for the other team, as many of the guys said, but the vast majority all had the attitude, “I love everyone and everyone should love me, just watch the hands!” LeRoy had no less than three girlfriends, one of whom was a mere 67; a cradle robber.

Sheldon had one nice lady he kept company with. Sarah Schwartzman was a lovely woman of 87. Sheldon said, he always liked older women. ortaköy escort Lately they hadn’t spent as much time together, but they were close. Sarah had developed dementia since she and Sheldon ‘hooked up’ and it had been tough on both of them, but Sheldon still went by her room, a double, every other day for about an hour until she either got tired of him or forgot who he was there to see. Sheldon found it heart breaking, but still, she was something else.

Roscoe was the only one who was still actually married. His wife Lenore lived in town nearby. She was about 60 though Roscoe never really told anyone. She’d show up now and then but it was obvious that he was here and she was there because neither could really stand one and other. Roscoe was good with that and didn’t let his ‘institutionalization’ interfere with his social life.

Eddy, having only moved in about a year prior had made several female friends but nothing clicked. He still missed Alison greatly. She had been the apple of his eye, the core of his existence and the dream of his life. He would still occasionally cry at night when he thought of her. She had been a bombshell when she was young but unlike some women, as she aged, she didn’t age well. Eddy didn’t see it that way. She was a bombshell even lying in the casket at her wake. It had been tough saying good bye to the only woman he had ever loved and even in his time overseas, the only woman he had EVER slept with and the only woman he ever wanted to.

However, Eddy wasn’t one to cling TOO tightly to the past and knew he had to move on and enjoy the years he had left, be they 1 or 20. Everyone told him that mourning wasn’t going to allow him any enjoyment and they were right, but he still mourned, now and then, and privately. Though, he would now and then start to talk about her to whomever. He couldn’t help it, everyone understood. Well, Roscoe had a tough time with it. “Dammit, if I could just get that old battle axe to die, I’d take her insurance and buy a Lincoln and we’d all go to Vegas! Or somewhere closer. I might get lost going to Vegas.”

As the game of “Battleship” continued, with the Swabie beating the crap out of the Marine (which the two Army vets found HILARIOUS!) a new resident was getting a tour. Sheldon spotted her first and he just gasped leading LeRoy to call B-3, which he had already called. He got a bit angry at Sheldon until he looked over and saw what he was gasping about. “HOLY SHIT! She’s a looker, ain’t she boys?”

They all looked over and saw this stunning woman of maybe, 77 strolling along with the tour guide/activities coordinator, Lydia Lindscott. She had long grey hair in a pony tail (something many older women couldn’t carry off, but SHE did) and a nice figure. Her make-up was very tastefully done. The women in the House often either went overboard and looked like clowns or whores or went au natural. She had it perfect.

“I’m hard for the first time in 10 years,” said Roscoe, adding, “Or is it five. Shit, I’ve lost track. I could swear…”
LeRoy cut him off, “Will you pipe down. You’re distracting me from my oogling.”

As they gazed with lust upon the new resident, secretly they each began to form a plan of attack. Each knew the other would be interested and figured they’d have to get to her first. Well, not so much Sheldon. He paused as he looked and then said, rather quietly to himself, “Eh, whatever.” And he got up and said, “I’m going to visit Sarah.” And he left.

Eddy just gazed at her. She WAS stunning. He thought how it was funny that he and his guys would often look right past gorgeous women in their 40s or younger and be thoroughly impressed with women over the age of 65. He recalled when he was in his 40s ignoring the 20 some-things for the older women. “Age can change you,” He once told his son Rick when HE turned 50.

As they watched her, she was suddenly approached by Stan Kachinsky, a guy in his 90s who had never been in the service. Four-F he had claimed! “LAZY SLACKER!” LeRoy had exclaimed. However, Stan had the paperwork to prove it, even after all these years. Stan might have been in his 90s, but he was one of the most mentally and physically fit guys there. At the dances, he could Jitter-Bug for minutes at a time. His Stroll was a huge hit. Whereas many of the residents would only last for about 5 minutes, if you got Stan Strolling, he could go all night. Granted it wasn’t exactly a fast dance like the Twist or the Jitter-Bug, it was still a fair amount of work, especially for anyone over 70. Stan still had ALL of his hair and was pretty well put together, still working out in the House gym three days a month, sometimes more. He had almost all of his original teeth and with a Masters Degree in English Literature; he could talk up any woman and charm the pants off of her. He dressed impeccably as well. All the guys hated him, even his friends, though in a different, jealous kind of way.

Eddy watched as Stan pendik escort walked up and began to chat up the new comer. She was very polite and shook Stan’s hand. She smiled (“what a smile,” thought Eddy) “What a SMILE!” said Roscoe. As Stan introduced himself the new girl just smiled and they could see she just wanted to continue the tour and wasn’t interested in Stan.

“YOUSA!” shouted LeRoy as he leapt from his chair.

Every looked over at him and he sheepishly sat back down. “The game, I think I’m winning.” And he turned back to the boys and said, “Ah, who’s turn is it?”

They finished the game, Roscoe beating the living daylights out of LeRoy who was still suffering the sting of his outburst.

That night at dinner, the boys took their usual seats, well, Sheldon was still missing, but that would happen now and then. They looked over the menu. The Huntington House offered a meal plan where you had the option of 7 meals in the dining room per week. You could either have breakfast or dinner or just one or the other. Since most of the rooms had a small kitchenette, the residents could make their own meals. Eddy had opted for the meal plan and usually broke it up with 2 breakfasts and 5 dinners per week. He liked the social aspect of community dinners. He did enjoy just rolling out of bed and making his own breakfast, but felt now and then it was good to let someone else do the work. This plan worked well for him. The ‘gang’ had dinner all together on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Every night at least two of them were there, but it alternated. The guys liked this, especially LeRoy who would often say that if he had to eat with all of them every night, he’d have flashbacks to Guadalcanal. “Eating with the same guys EVERY SINGLE DAMN NIGHT, should only happen in war. This AIN’T war.”

It was now Friday and it would be Eddy and Roscoe. They sat at their usual table, knowing they’d have to share. They were fine with it. If the three they put with them were boring, they’d have each other to talk to. Over came the tour guide, Ms. Lindscott. “Would you guys mind if a new resident sat with you? I’m trying to make it easier for her to get to know folks and this table has three empty seats.”

“Yeah, why not?” said Roscoe, HOPING it was that dame they had seen earlier. IT WAS! Ms. Lindscott brought her over and introduced her. “This is Roscoe…ah, I’m sorry, your last name escapes me.” She began.

“Fairweather; Roscoe Fairweather. I am humbled to be at your service.”

“Hi, I’m Eddy McFarlane. I’m pleased to meet you.” Both stuck out their hands at the same time and the woman, not knowing which way to go, stuck out both hands and said, “I’m Nellie. Nellie Shay. It’s fucking awesome to meet you guys!”

Both Eddy and Roscoe were a bit shocked. It wasn’t that unusual to hear a woman in their age bracket to use such language, but she didn’t LOOK the type.

“What’s good for grub in this fucking place?” She asked. Both the boys noticed that Ms. Lindscott had just vanished.

“Eddy? I don’t know, what do you usually order?” asked Roscoe, not knowing how to handle this. He was picturing this woman sounding like someone out of “Masterpiece Theatre”.

There were always three choices on the menu and the menu would change every night. Fridays it was often a fish dish, a hamburger of some sort and roast pork. “Uh, I guess fish?” said Eddy.

“Fish sucks. I think the fucking hamburger looks good. Do they put it on a bun or on the plate with some fucking vegetables? I would rather the veggies. Gotta watch my fucking weight, am I right? Shit, I don’t want to end up some fat old whale.” And she laughed like hell.

Eddy and Roscoe laughed along, uncomfortably.

They ordered dinner and then decided to visit the lounge for a glass of wine. When they got there Nellie asked the bartender, “You got any fucking whiskey in there or just pussy assed shit?”

The bartender said he did have whiskey but not top shelf. Would she like some of the lesser brand? “Why the fuck not?” She bellowed and slapped her hand on the bar. She turned to her new companions and said, “Eddy, right? You drinking GOOD stuff or that wine you mentioned. Should I say WHINE?” and she laughed again, once more slapping her hand on the bar.

Eddy hadn’t had whiskey in a few years. He’s always been a Crown Royal guy finding Canadian Whiskey much smoother than Scotch. He said, “What the fuck, I’ll take a fucking whiskey!”

Roscoe was stunned. He’d heard Eddy swear, but it was not a common thing. Was this woman becoming a bad influence? He shuffled up to the bar and said, “FUCKING WHISKEY!” Roscoe was NOT going to be shown up, and he still liked the idea of getting in this woman’s pants.

The three of them sipped their drinks and got acquainted. Nellie had been married to George for over 30 years. He had been her third husband. The first was Sam, and…”That scumbag just used me for sex. He’d şerifali escort fuck the shit out of me then go out and fuck the shit outta some other bitch. I dumped him, FAST! I was 19 when I dumped him.” Roscoe gulped his drink and went for another. “ME TOOOOOO!” Nellie shouted in a sing song manner. “Yeah, me too,” added Eddy.

Roscoe brought back the three drinks and sat them down. Eddy had half of his first drink to go, Nellie’s first drink was gone, then so was her second. “I’ll tell you about number 2. What a wonderful man he was. So sad he got run over by a truck on our third week of marriage. Stupid jerk should have been watching more carefully. What a cock that guy had. Hung like a fucking horse! I never had sex like that again. I was 22 and sure I’d never find another man like him. I’m talking HUNG oh, and sweet. What the fuck was his name?”

Roscoe downed number two. Eddy just sat sipping, listening. Then, Eddy asked, “So, what about YOU. Tell us about YOU. Where are you from, what did you do? Forget the husbands.”

Nellie downed her second and sent Roscoe up for refills. When he got back, she said, “I was an English teacher. High School for 20 years then, I moved on up in the world and taught at a college for four years before retiring. Best fucking years of my life. I met George when I was at the high school. We fucked like rabbits and then then I got knocked up. He was sweet. I really loved him, ya know? I was 28, he was 40. We really hit it off. Of course his wife was unhappy but as soon as he dumped her, we tied the knot! Terrific 30 years until his heart attack on his 60th birthday. Very sad.”

Eddy was mesmerized. She was fascinating. Roscoe started to think of his own wife and how much better he could have done!

Once George was gone, I played the field for a few years. I got laid at more frat parties than you can shake a stick at. High school teaching was fun, but once I moved on to college, it was a whole new world. I didn’t have to hide it when I made it with a student like at the high school!” and she laughed like hell at that one. “I’m kidding boys, really.” And she winked and nudged Roscoe who smiled and groaned.

Roscoe reached over and finished Eddy’s first drink when he heard Nellie whisper to herself, “ah, young cock.”

Suddenly LeRoy came through the door and he zeroed in on Eddy and Roscoe and…HER! He almost ran (rather quickly walked) over to the table and sat down. “Hello all. How is everyone tonight?” then sticking out his hand towards Nellie he said, “Hi, I’m LeRoy. USMC. My, you are lovely. What might the name of this beautiful flower be?”

“I’m Nellie. Pleased to fucking meet you!” and she shook his hand, like a Marine. “Wow, some grip.”

“Yeah, I’m good.” LeRoy giggled. “You should see what else I can do.” He added. Roscoe and Eddy just looked at him.

They sat and chatted while LeRoy got his drinks. He got a little upset when Roscoe grabbed his second drink and finished it. Roscoe was getting woozy. LeRoy was just getting started. Nellie got up and walked over to the bar. It was apparent she could hold her booze. “Hey, how strong is that 3 drink max rule around here? You gonna shut off three VETERANS and a TEACHER? What the fuck are you, a COMMIE?”

The bartender tried to reason with her but finally said, “Tell NO ONE, just leave me alone.” And he poured four more.

Nellie brought them over and all four of the toasted the ‘good old days’ and kept talking. LeRoy was becoming more and more impressed with this lady. Roscoe was torn between turned on and scared. Eddy just could not get past how lovely she was. He barely heard anything but sweetness coming from her, whereas Roscoe was hearing EVERYTHING and looking at EVERYTHING. He noticed that as they spoke, she suddenly had three, not one button undone on her pink blouse. He could clearly see her lacy black bra and her cleavage was outstanding. Eddy didn’t seem to look past her face and LeRoy was so involved in what she had to say, even HE was oblivious to the marvelous show being put on. Those tits were FANTASTIC!

“So, dija ever make out with a teacher, boys?” asked Nellie. “I mean, when youze was in school?” She was getting a bit tipsy now, but Roscoe, who WAS tipsy wondered if she really was. She seemed to have a hollow leg. Was she setting them up. Roscoe scared himself by thinking rationally instead of just enjoying the show being put on by this lovely woman.

LeRoy said, “I never did finish High School. My country needed me.”

Roscoe suddenly got indignant, “Hey, you were 22 when you joined up, you told us. If you didn’t finish high school, don’t be blamin’ the war.”

LeRoy just shushed him and looked back at Nellie. “Don’t mind him. Shrapnel to the brain.” And he winked.

Eddy asked, “Nellie, do you like to dance?” as he heard Stardust come on in the background. Nellie said she did and they got up.

Roscoe and LeRoy just looked at each other in disbelief. They watched as Eddy dance slowly and closely with Nellie. Eddy seemed to be falling for her. Roscoe said, “I’d fall into bed, but in love is another matter all together. I could NEVER introduce her to my family.”

LeRoy said, “I’d be PROUD to introduce her to MY family and then tell them to go shit in their hats if they didn’t like her.”

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