Butt Lovely Pt. 01 – Around the world.

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I’ve been banished to the garage. It actually suits me. There’s no way I’d want to be around that mob of half pissed floozies. Jules’ friends are throwing a lingerie party for her hen’s night. We tie the knot next weekend. So, they’re in there giggling at garter belts and butt plugs and I’m out here fiddling with fan belts and spark plugs.

Despite the fact that they’re about three rooms away in the living room, I can still hear snippets of conversation and a collective collaboration to raise the total spending so they get the promised stripper. Apparently if they collectively spend more than a thousand, they are rewarded with a bloke who struts about and takes his clothes off. That, I can truly miss.

Last weekend the boys threw a porn and prawn night for me down at the bowls club. “For my benefit”, they included a couple of skanky strippers who served drinks topless for the night and then provided a ‘lap dance’ for me. I was tied to a chair while these two things who looked like they lived on meth and welfare writhed on me and then assaulted each other with a collection of implements that made my chest of power tools look safe. Total class.

So yeah… I’m happy out here with my stereo, some cold beers and the ute. It’s an old ’58 Ford Mainline that I’m restoring slowly. The 272 Y-block is giving me a few dramas. The valve-stem seals are fucked, and the springs look like they’ll break the first time I sink the foot into it, so at present I’m removing the heads for an engineer mate to go over. Might as well go a full deck and grind while I’ve got them off.

Wiping my hands on my shirt like every bloke shouldn’t, my bladder reminds me that I’ve had more than a few cold beers and I text Jules to let her know I’m going inside to use the loo.

[need a piss]

[Ok. Hall door closed anyway.]

Romantic kinda stuff.

I’m met in the hall by Milly, who’s just leaving the loo herself. She’s one of Jules’ oldest friends and Matron of Honour next weekend. She’s a little dynamo of energy and dimply smiles.

“Davo!” She hugs me and gives me a quick peck on the lips. “You gorgeous man. You should join us.”

“Ah… No.” I look at the closed door at the end of the hall and frown at the noise from behind it, “Nah. Not for me, Milly. How’s it going in there anyway?”

“Scaredy cat.” She laughs at me, “Afraid of some little girls and their toy collections?”

“Something like that, love. Reckon you’ll get the stripper?”

“Don’t know.” She sounds a little serious and smells a little like she’s had quite a few fizzy drinks. Her little bow-tie lips screw up and off to the side in her signature ‘Milly is grumpy’ gesture. “I can’t afford anymore. I think everyone’s already spent more than they wanted.”

“How far off are you, love?”

“Two hundred and thirty-seven dollars and fifty-three cents.” She says dejectedly.

“Roughly…” I laugh. “Here. Hang on. “I’m supposed to buy the bridesmaids a gift of some sort anyway. Hundred dollars each.” I hand her my master card.

“What? Oh Davo, you’re the best, mate.” I’m rewarded with another hug and a kiss on both cheeks.

“Oh, and can you make sure Jules spends at least a couple of hundred more on her lingerie than she wants to. Put that on the card too. You know what she’s like.”

“Yeah… Tightarse much?” She puts on a Jules imitation, “What the devil is the point even. He’s just going to throw it all in the corner.”

It cracks me up. She mocks Jules’ pommy accent brilliantly and it sounds exactly like something she’d say.

“Well I’m leaving it up to you to make damn sure it looks sensational crumpled up in the corner.”

“See ya Davo. Got money to spend. Love ya dickhead.”

“You too, Milly.” Then she actually skips down the hall and I attend to business.

I’m shaking little Davo when my phone dings.

[Oh, you wait. XXX Thanks Davy.]

[You can thank little Dave when the girls leave, love.]

[I fully intend to. ??]

Back out at the ute, I use a torch to heat the head nuts. They’re frozen beyond the torque I’d need to put through them to crack them from the bolts they hold and I don’t want to break the studs. I remember when I met Milly. Jules and I had been together at least a few months when Milly brought her home a spastic pisswrecked mess one evening.

“Dave. Sorry. Help. She’s heavy as fuck.” She smiled up at me. “Soz. I’m Amelia. Amelia Bonnaczelvic.”

She dumped an almost comatose Jules at my feet and shook my hand at the doorstep.

“Had a few tequila’s, has old mate.” She smiled. “Oh, hang on, I’ll get her top.”

She returned a few seconds later from the cab, brandishing Jules’ blouse and handed it to me. “Fucking awesome night, Dave. God, she’s so into you. I wish I liked someone that much.”

I learned how to hold a chick’s hair while she vomited that night.

One by one, the nuts loosen and as I turn the last one free on the first bank, I hear a raucous cheer from the living room. I guess they have the stripper secured.

I hear the door almanbahis open and look back to find Lara leaning against the doorframe with an evil smirk on her face. Lara is trouble.

“So spunky, we want your opinion.”

“Oh. Ok. The Broncos centres are letting the whole team down, holdens are for men with vaginas and your hair looks pretty like that.”

“Idiot. Not those opinions.” She pats at her hair and blushes a little. “Look.” She holds her hands out in fists.

As she opens one, she says, “gold” with a raised eyebrow. I see a small silver butt plug with a yellow crystal end on it. “Or silver.” She opens the other hand and displays a similar butt plug with a clear crystal end.

“Oh my god, your face. Priceless.”

“What’s it got to do with me?”

“Well it’s your Bridesmaids presents.”

I squint at her. She’s a dreadful tease and flirt and has taken things just that bit too far with me on a few too many occasions.

“Fine then. Look it was my idea anyway. When you gave Milly your card and said about Bridesmaids presents, I thought it would be super cool if we all got matching plugs. We could wear them under our gowns on the big day. A bit of naughty fun. Julia’s getting one too.” She winks, “So, come on then. Pink or Clear, Davo?”

“What colour are your dresses again?” I guess they should colour co-ordinate or something.

“Pff… You need to pay more attention. Lemon.”

“Gold it is then Lar’s.”

She crosses the small distance from the door to where I lean on the car and wraps me in one of the special hugs she teases me with that involve pressing her breasts against my chest and her hot mound against my leg quite lewdly. They’re the hugs that make Jules roll her eyes and shake her head smiling and make me a little nervous.

“Thanks big guy.” She drops a hand to squeeze my butt before disentangling herself. “Oh, the best bit. Julia says we’ll get the photographer to take a few special group pics for you next weekend. Just something for you to think about while you’re out here tinkering, Davo.”

Typical Lara stuff. I’m shaking my head at her retreating arse that I just know she deliberately sways exaggeratedly. The little blonde has more than once made it clear that if I ever wanted a piece of it, I just had to take it. When I told Jules the first time, she suggested I was misreading her. By the umpteenth time I expressed concern to Jules she said, “Maybe you should just ravage the trollop and get it over with.”

Despite the suggestive behaviour, Lara is really good friend to Jules. Perhaps she just teases me because she trusts me not to act on it.

[Gold it is then Davy. Did Lars tell you we’re going to flash our naughty jewelled bottoms at the photographer for you?]

[Yup. Got your stripper?]

[Should arrive presently. Don’t worry. I’ll behave. This lot though… Who can tell?]

[Have fun.]

Setting the phone down, I fetch another beer from the bar fridge and wonder how much longer I have to stay out here. It’s only ten o’clock but I’m running out of ways to amuse myself. I’m sitting on a milk crate next to the ute when my phone dings again.

[OMG. So sad.]

[What are you on about woman?]

[Her partner won’t do rudey bottom stuff.]

Good lord this mob have some strange conversations.

[Spose it’s not for everyone.]

[He says its positively filthy and just refuses. I thought all men like bottom stuff.]

Scratching my head and staring at the phone I wonder what she actually wants me to say when she messages again.

[Stripper’s super hot.]

[I remember someone saying look but don’t touch.] That was her only warning last weekend for me.

She doesn’t text again, so I attack the other bank of cylinders. One by one the nuts come loose and then I set about cracking the heads from the gaskets they’ve been pressed against for more than fifty years. I can hear music and laughter and the sort of cheering that usually accompanies that manner of thing, but I’m not prepared for the video message I receive.

A tall well-built man with muscles on top of muscles tears his policeman pants from his legs directly in front of Jules, whose face is registering equal parts joy and shock. I see the other girls laughing and generally enjoying the show. The message is from Jessie. She works with Jules.

[Thanks David. We’re having a ball. Or two.] Accompanies the short clip.

‘Good on them,’ I think putting my phone back down and carrying the first of the heads to the workbench. I hear the bloody phone ding again and it coincides with a fairly muted moment in the hubbub.

‘What are they fucking up to n-‘ I stop mid thought as my phone shows me another message from Jess.

[OMFG priceless Lara.]

I watch as a naked set of buttocks gyrates in front of the ladies turning this way and that then back toward the camera. His dick is suddenly thrust in a way that’s more comical than erotic and his balls flap against his thighs as he dances. I can see Jules’ mum with her hand over her almanbahis yeni giriş mouth and her eyes wide like saucers and then, holy fuck.

All the watching, laughing women turn as Lara stands, walks through them and kneels in front of the man and sucks his dick straight into her mouth. I watch as she grabs his butt cheeks and pulls him in and out of her mouth before finally holding her hand up for attention then dropping forward to deepthroat his entire length. The video ends with a look at Jules who is shaking her head and holding a hand to her forehead in a classic face palm gesture.

My fiancée has surrounded herself with all these beautiful people somehow. Maybe her own nature draws them to her magnetically or something. But Jessica is the one I like most.

She’s a demure looking girl. Pretty but plain with short sandy hair. Brad, her husband stands a good foot taller than her five-six and he’s one of my mates. Jess helped me through that whole patch when Jules went home to renew her visa and hooked back up with her ex. I wasn’t much fun to be around but she included me in family things and with Brad’s help kept me busy.

“Once an ex, always an ex. You’ll see.” Jess had told me once when I was particularly low.

Three months later, Jules was back for another twelve months. It took a little work but we were okay. She said she owed it to her ex to give things one last try. Jules and I had only been together a short while before she went home and while I thought we were very in love, we were still in our early days.

“I need more than what she was ever going to be able to give me.” Jules explained. “With her it was all about her. With you it’s all about us.” Mates have suggested to me that it doesn’t count really if she cheated with a girl. Some said it was kinda hot. It still hurt. It was more about where her heart went. Long time ago now though, but that’s why Jess will always be my favourite.

It sounds like the party is finishing. Doors bang and cars arrive to pick up half sozzled women. There is still some conversation, so I guess the bridesmaids party on.

The door to my refuge bangs against its jam and I turn to see Jules laughing and wiping her eyes.

“Good lord, Davy. You think you know people and then add a stripper to the mix… Bloody Lara swallowed his whole cock and even mother had a stroke at it. Just need a jolly good breather and one of your beers. That wine is…” She makes a face. “Getting really sticky.”

She’s a little wobbly on her feet and sways as she tries to open the bar fridge.

“Here, sit down a second love.” I kick a milk crate to her and fetch a beer from the fridge and put it in a cooler. “Here ya go.”

“I don’t know what they’re all going on about. Like they haven’t seen a naked man before. He’s got lots of delicious muscles but his face is rather awkward looking. And his, erm… equipment, a little under par…”

“Just supposed to be a bit of fun, love.”

“Oh and I’m still so sad for m-, erm, the one who’s erm… partner, won’t do rudey bottom things. I mean it’s such… I’d be… If you wouldn’t… I just cum so hard when you… you know dear.”

“Ha…” She really is a bit pissy, “Yeah, I do know love. You may have mentioned it once or twice. But hey, probably not for everybody.”

“Never ever has she never… what is it..? Erm been around the world. You understand, Davy?”

“Like-” I do but she interrupts to explain anyway.

“One’s mouth, vadge and arse in one session, dear. Never her arse at all actually, she insists.”

“Oh goody, beer. Have to wash the taste of that out of my mouth somehow.” Lara has found us. “Damn fine dick that one though.” She adds taking a beer from the fridge.

“You simply cannot be serious, Lars. That specimen?”

“Yeah. Too bad he’s gone now. You should have seen it Davo. Like this…” She holds her fingers apart and squints. Clearly she’s well on her way to falling over. “big.”

Jules just shakes her head.

“What bitch? You saw it. Don’t tell me you weren’t imp- Woah! Are you saying?” Now she’s staring at me like she’s ravenous. “Get em off Davo.” She growls.

“Lars no, love. Not gonna happen.” I tell her and actually have to hold her shoulders as she comes closer and tries grabbing at my shorts.

“Go on Davy, be a sport.” Laughs Jules. “Show the little trollop some quality cock.”

“The stripper’s gone ladies. You’re all a bit drunk and this isn’t happening.”

“What’s not happening?” Milly asks.

“Is something happening?” Jules’ mother asks.

“Davy’s going to show you all what a proper cock looks like, aren’t you dear.” Jules stands and pulls me into a toe-curling kiss. As her tongue explores my mouth, her hand smooths down along my chest to grab my rapidly hardening dick. I feel someone behind me and then cold air on my butt and legs. My pants are gone and Jules rubs me harder by the moment.

She’s pressed against me, thankfully, so no-one sees the pre-cum I already leak onto her fingers. She tastes like wine coolers almanbahis giriş and some kind of savoury snack and then there’s silence as she steps back and leaves me bobbing in the breeze for inspection.

I’m five foot ten and weigh eighty-five kilos. I guess you’d call me stocky. So everything is in the right proportions. I’ve had some past lovers tell me I was big, but really it’s not. It’s just kind of… stocky, like me. They were small girls anyway, so it probably just felt big.

Right now though I’m flushed red with embarrassment as my fiancée, her mother and her three best friends (great, Jessie has arrived too) stare slack jawed at my throbbing dick.

“See ladies, that is what a jolly good cock looks like.” Jules smiles proudly regardless of my horror, “And it’s aaallll mine.”

“Jesus David.” Jess is first to speak, “You make the stripper we just had look like a… a…”

“Fuck sake Lars…” I squeak as hands grab my shaft and something cold is pressed against it. I look down to see she has my metal ruler. My eyes plead with Julia’s for assistance and she just smugly watches on.

“Nineteen and maybe, seven and a half…” Lara’s breath warms my dick and I bounce in her hands. “Ooh.”

“You’re doing it wrong.” Milly adds. “Here.”

Another pair of hands grabs at my junk and measures, this time along the top of my shaft.

“Ooh, look at his balls.” Lara grabs them and rolls them in her palms. “Like big old avocados.”

“Really guys?” I ask. “This is happening? You’ve had your fun now.” I try to push at their hands as they fondle and grope and look to Jules who just stands there obviously enjoying my discomfort. I’m starting to get a bit angry. This really isn’t cool.

“Eight.” Milly pronounces. “Eight inches from here to here.”

“It’s just so fat though.” Jess states. I feel like some kind of animal they’re examining. “Davo, do you mind if I try to get my fingers…”

It’s a redundant question because she’s already pushed the kneeling girls’ hands aside and tries to make rings around my shaft with the thumb and forefingers of each hand.

“Jesus. That would split me in two.”

I raise my hands in a ‘what the fuck?’ gesture at Julia who simply grins and passes me a fresh beer. So, beer in hand, penis in hands, I open the beer and drink.

Which I promptly cough out as Julia’s mother speaks, “I bet you can’t get the whole of that in your little potty mouth Lara.”

“No. Come on, guys. Enough is-” I freeze staring in disbelief at my Julia who simply shrugs as Lara’s lips engulf the head of my dick in warm wet glory.

“Relax Davy. She’s wanted it forever. Be a sport dear.” Jules smiles and watches her friend bob on my dick. I’m human. That’s what I tell myself as I groan and put a hand on Lar’s head.

“Fuck…” I grumble pointlessly and look from face to face. They all watch eagerly like hyena’s gathering around carrion. Which I realise is pretty much what I am right now; roadkill. “Jules… this is- fuck!”

Lara chooses that moment to reach around and pull me into her using my butt cheeks as handles. I slide deeper in gagged increments until I feel her nose against my groin. I’m pulsing dangerously close to coming and something in me snaps. This is wrong and out of control.

“Fuck sake! That’s fucking enough. Are you all fucking happy now? Had your fun?” My hands pull Lara’s face off me. I’m trying to be gentle but firm and her teary eyes worry me as she shlurps off me. Did I hurt her?

Someone; maybe Jessie, I think she was behind me, reaches and takes my wrists and gently draws them away from Lara’s smiling raccoon face and pulls them behind me. I’m still reeling with this whole anomaly when I feel something furry but hard snap with an ominous click about one wrist and then the other.

“What the fuck, Jules? What’re you all up to?”

Julia just smiles at me and comes close enough to hold my face in her hands gently.

“Relax Davy. You know I adore you.” Her voice is low and even and her pretty blue eyes dance mischievously on mine. “Now, dear Davy, I absolutely, desperately, positively NEED you to help one of my lovely friends with a little travel.”

“What are you on about love?” I probably sound whiney, but I know that tone in her voice. It’s reserved for moments when I’m being coerced into something and I know that it’s useless objecting.

Then something soft is slipped over my head and everything goes black. “Jules? What the fuck?”

Her tinkling laughter that usually makes me smile despite myself, now alarms me.

“One of these beautiful souls that are my closest friends…” She punctuates the moment by running a finger along my jaw as whoever is behind me pulls a string to secure the bag like thing around my neck. In a moment of clarity, I realise they’ve hooded me with my own motorcycle helmet bag from the bench nearby.

“Desperately wants to experience something that they absolutely cannot otherwise and you are going to help them because you love me so much.” Her logic may be a little twisted but she knows I’d do anything for her within reason. And therein lies my quandary. I’m cuffed, hooded and naked from the waist down in my own garage with her mother and three of her friends. How is this even remotely reasonable?

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